I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
