I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
