Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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