Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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