No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
