I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
