The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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