i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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