I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
