Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
