I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize