Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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