My sheets look like a crime scene.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
