some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
