My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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