Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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