Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just want nice things and good sex
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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