omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
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