2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
