If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
