ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
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