Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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