Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
