Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
