We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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