hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
