Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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