I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Your face is a jimmy john
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
