the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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