Betty ford says i'm here all night
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
