I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
