your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
