Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize