What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
