I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
my god I love twenty year old dicks
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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