I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
