I think I died a long time ago.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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