I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
