I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
