EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
