Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
