Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
