so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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