Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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