I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
