i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
