Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
