If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
