i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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