Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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