cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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