I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
