I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize