Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
