You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
