suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
