I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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