He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
