my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
