Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish you could order shots online.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Randomize
