someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
