Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i believe in u and ur pee
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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