I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
