It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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