Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
