hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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