Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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