your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
