It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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